Shrapnel

fullsizeoutput_713fshrap·nel
ˈSHrapnəl/
noun
 fragments of a bomb, shell, or other object thrown out by an explosion.

When shrapnel hits the body it may cause significant damage depending on the speed and force that it hits. It can shatter bone, cause injury to nerves and blood vessels forever affecting the body part they are feeding. Shrapnel can end up stuck in body cavities such as the chest, head or abdomen causing irreparable damage. It is not always advisable to take every fragment out. In turn these fragments can remain with the injured person forever.

I wanted to write something more uplifting this blog. Something that would bring light into the darkness that others may be walking through. However all I can think about is shrapnel.

It seems like a bomb went off about 12 years ago in my life ….. I survived it with only small pieces of shrapnel left in my skin. In places that no one may notice, but they are there.

About 4 years ago another bomb  . . . more shrapnel. But not as much. Mostly because it was my husband that was affected this time and it’s ok for big people to get sick. It is normal … but it does not hurt that much less.

Then July of 2016 the biggest bomb ever struck my family. The one where the doctors said my 5-year-old may not make it, the atom bomb that nearly took out my life with hers. But it didn’t. She is alive, she pulled through. But not without some shrapnel of her own.

In addition to the physical shrapnel, the pellets and splinters that are still stuck in our soft tissue and bones. There is the financial and mental shrapnel. Ouch those hurt. The loss of a home, because how can someone work and support their family with cancer, and how can the other work when they need to care for the sick people in the family. The copays and medical bills…..because as much as we would like to think insurance covers everything it doesn’t. The special diets …. because why should healthy food be fairly priced? We need to pay for them taking out all of the artificial flavors and preservatives right?

Then there is the shrapnel that really hurts. This one is lodged into the blood vessels that supply life to your legs or arms ….. and as a result they may have to be amputated. When you find out that the people who you thought you knew and trusted might as well have just blown off your leg, because the pain would be less.

I recently found out that I have a target it on my back. I am a walking target. Because I have a chronic child, with chronic hospitalizations I have chronic absences. I do. It is a fact. I no longer qualify for FMLA because I decided to go part-time to care for my chronics and my other children. My house is far from in order. As soon as my FMLA was gone the target was placed and now the job I have worked so hard for is in jeopardy.

I am a nurse. And I tell you what…. I am a good one. I am proud to say it. I LOVE my job. I love caring for my patients and their families. I go above and beyond to make sure their needs are met. I have lived on both sides of the table. The parent and the medical team. This is what makes me good at what I do. I have all good annual reviews, not one negative comment in 16 years. Not one write up.

However they are suddenly trying their hardest to push me out. It hurts. I am down in the sense that I am physically and mentally strained from watching my kids be sick, from FIVE hospital stays alone this year…… and they are kicking me. Really, really hard where it hurts.

So after a not so small mental breakdown yesterday, I need to grab my crutches and learn to walk with one leg since the shrapnel took out the other one. It sucks. I don’t know what I will do. But I will have to learn to try to figure that part out won’t I?

After all my situation is not going to change. I still have 2 Chronic Kids and 2 more that need me. I have to worry about them first.

So this week forget thelemonade ….. I will just take my vodka neat.

Keep Hobbling Along…..

~D

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